Impish Possibilities
by Hitsuji Kinno
Summary: Parody of Sailor Moon Fan Fiction starting with Chibiusa being born to Serena. There isn't a better summary inside. I don't suck as summaries. I don't particularly want R&R. I am relaxed enough as it is. I think I should use / more. I can spell.
1. Chapter 1

I am sorry because I am pretty good at summaries. I don't suck at them. I don't even sux at them. I also don't use chat speech. I don't even type up "This is the summary" in my summaries. And despite the summary in the top, I don't have a longer "better" one inline. Wow. I am sorry I don't take 90 percent of this fic with a song with a thin plot either.

And curse me, I actually use a spell check. I don't even wish this was my series. And Sel Finsert, while my character is unoriginal due to the name. I believe this character has shown up a thousand if not a million times already!

This is so unfair, but I actually speak decent Japanese and have been to Japan. So I apologize for this too, because author notes are for apologies and plugging yourself and your accomplishments.

And what's this? I don't really care if you review as long as you are specific with your comments. So I apologize. Because apologizing looks cool.

* * *

Sel Finsert rubbed her head trying to understand what was going on. "OK, you are saying that your daughter is Japanese, but you aren't?"

Serena nodded twice. "In the past she was Darien's child, but now she is Seiya's child. Isn't Chibiusa cute?"

Sel's mouth dropped and shook her head. She pulled out a chart from nowhere. She held up a chart.

"You didn't take Sex Ed did you?"

Serena shook her head.

"How about basic genetics?"

Serena shook her head. "But I do know what creamy skin feels like and I once saw gems in Darien's eyes. Or is his name Mamoru. I forget sometimes."

Sel hit Serena over the head with a stick. "Look. There are two sets of genes. One comes from the mother and one comes from the father. These are set with a 1 billion against odds of the child receiving the proper genes from the father."

"But I want Chibiusa to be my child! She's cute and stuff."

Sel rubbed her forehead. A headache was irking her behind her temples.

"If you have a child with Seiya, it won't be Chibiusa!"

"Nope, it'll be Chibiusa," Serena said nodding.

"Chibiusa is Japanese! She speaks Japanese!" Sel finally yelled.

"So?" Serena asked. "She'll just come out speaking Japanese then. Isn't that cool?"

Sel massaged the crease in her brow. She sighed. "Alright, how do you plan to do this."

Serena smiled as she sat higher on her bar stool which was serving as a desk.

"Easy," Serena said cocking her head to one side with a no-duh expression on her face, "I'll use the Silver Imperial Crystal. Wait.. is it the Silver Imperyean Crystal... I don't remember. Whatever it's called. You know that magical stone I carry around."

Sel fell her knees buckle. She held her neck and tried to recover, but the force of Serena's words hit her too hard.

"Did I like swear or something by doing that action with my head?" Serena asked.

Sel turned into a puddle feeling her brain cells melt. Getting a semblance on the situation she rose to her knees.

"No, you didn't swear. And the Silver Crystal has limited capacities. It can revive people. It can make people live longer. It can heal. It can't change the genetic make up of your child so they appear the same!" Sel said finally yelling.

"But I want her toooooo," Serena yelled. "I want her to be Japanese because Japanese people are all trendy these days. They have freedom of expression and wear Lolita stuff every day on the street !"

Sel felt her thighs melt again. The very marrow of her bones must be a watery liquid now.

"Have you been to Japan?" Sel asked.

Serena shook her head.

"Can you speak Japanese?"

Serena nodded. Sel stared at her incredulously.

"I know otaku, baka, yaoi, yuri... and I think senshi and henshin."

"That doesn't count! Yaoi and Yuri aren't even Japanese words... well yuri is, but it's not how its used in Japanese."

"What? Why doesn't it count?"

Sel didn't feel like explaining.

"Well if Setsuna can erase memories with her time thingie magigie, then why can't I do whatever I want with the silver crystal?"

"She can't erase memories."

"She so can!" Serena replied back. "She doesn't like being like the only lonely one. I think I should get her laid with Hotaru or something."

"Hotaru is 8 years old!" Sel yelled.

"So what? Oh wait, she has Chibiusa or something, doesn't she? Wait, is Chibiusa even born yet? I don't remember. Doesn't matter since all of the Senshi abandoned me again."

"Why did you use the word Senshi? You're in the Dub! Do you even know what Senshi means?"

"'Cause it sounds cooler than Scouts," Serena said nodding.

Sel felt like ripping her hair.

"Do you think Darien will like my gold locks and cerulean eyes after I give birth to Chibiusa?"

"You said you were with Seiya."

"Like having only one lover is no fun! I should cheat and have two."

Sel Finsert muttered, "Let's spread the disease."

"Well if Hotaru can have Chibiusa and Setsuna, then why not give her Helios? Wouldn't that be cool. I'll make the ginzuishou do that!"

"What!" Sel yelled.

"No, wait, I'll make you into Sailor Scout. You can do things like sell girl scout cookies. Wait-- even better. I can retire and I'll turn you into Sailor Mary Sue. Isn't that cool? Or do you want a Star in the name or something?"

Sel took out a lead pipe from the dimensional fold where all magical objects come from and swiped it hard against the legs of the bar stool. The stool fell over. Serena screamed.

"What did you do that for? I'll get the Senshi to kick your butt."

"I thought they betrayed you," Sel said.

"Yeah, well, they'll be on the next plane back just to kick you. Then I'll get all their friends and their friend's friends to stomp on you. You insulted me by saying I couldn't give birth to Chibiusa. They will sooo hate you."

Sel tried not to stare at the large plot hole forming at Serena's feet. It probably was her imagination. A hopeful reprieve that there could be such an appearance. She almost wished the pipe was a little longer so it would reach Serena.

A voice called out from the distance. A shadowed figure showed up in the materialized doorway for this occasion.

"Urusenai! Ai to Seigi no Sera Bishoujo Senshi Sera Muuun. Tsukino Kawatte Oshokiyo!"

Serena's mouth hung. "What did she say?"

Sel said, "She said, I can't forgive you. I am the Sailor Suited Soldier Sailor Moon. In the Name of the Moon I will punish you."

"Wha? Why?" Serena asked.

Sel translated for her, "Nan de? Doushite?"

"Anata wa onaji kao desu yo.. Demo sa! Atashi wa ecchi ja nai yo! Yamete yo!"

Sel translated back for Serena.

"No, I meant why is she Sailor Moon? I am Sailor Moon."

Before Serena could say anything else, she heard strange slanted English words. Sel squinted at the light.

In Japanese, Sel asked, "You purified her?"

The figure nodded.

Sel crawled to thank the figure, but the figure disappeared.


	2. Chapter 2

I'm so sorry it took so long to update because exactly zero people asked me to update. The truth is that I want you to ask me to update this story so I look famous and so these author notes don't look like they are gratuitously talking about myself.

This chapter is just long enough to tell the story I want and just short enough to tell the story I want. So I apologize for its length, because I know people out there want a longer or shorter fic.

This is actually to delay you from reading my story. Should I talk about my story here? I could tell you the whole plot but then it would be SPOILERS because my writing is all that and a bag of chips. Chips from Japan. Wait, do they even have chips? I think they do since they worship Americans as living Gods. Especially since they like SUVs on their narrow streets.

Wait, I haven't gotten to the story yet and you're leaving? Why? I don't understand. Is it the fact I'm talking about nothing and myself for all this time?

And I really wish this franchise belonged to me so I could have endless amounts of stress and paperwork. Especially since copyright stuff is wrong. It's so wrong. Why should authors get to profit from their own ideas at all? I would own this story, except it's a derivative. While Takeuchi-senshi (isn't it Takeuchi-senshi?) allows these types of fan fiction I'm still going to make a fuss and try to say how I'd love to own it myself. While I made a fuss I'll call her a goddess.

I apologize in advance for my good grammar and spelling. I apologize for not swearing in my author notes.

R&R please because I'm desperate for love and attention from this world. Give me something good and not specific. Oh please, I beg you. Because quality of reviews doesn't matter. Just so I can relax and get some relaxation.

* * *

Just as Sel Finsert recovered from her long and horrendous coma (because it needs excessive modifiers to get the story across and some exaggeration to boot) she saw a figure with blue hair.

"Ami-chan!" Sel called out.

"Huh?" Amy said.

Sel said, "Crap... another one."

"I have to be going. I'm due to screw 'Koto, 'nako and then have an all out orgy and stuff because I'm that sort of girl."

"Who is Koto and Nako?"

"Imports from Japan. I think 'Taru and 'Ruka or is it Haru and Michi or is it 'Chiru are coming all the way from Japan to have unwanton relations with me. They are going to teach me."

Sel rubbed her temples. "It's rude to call your seniors by nick names without permission in Japan."

Amy's warbling voice was driving Sel nuts. She sounded more like a machine than a living girl. "Doesn't it not matter we do it all the time in the United States."

Sel sighed. "Japan is another country. If you set it in Japan, you go by Japanese rules."

"Are you trying to affect unaffected coolness?" Amy asked.

"What's with the misplaced modifier? Are you just trying to sound cool?"

"Isn't a CPU a way of saying Cool Phoor You?"

"Why are you here?" Sel asked.

"I'm not sure. There was this hole and it sucked me in."

"Damned Serena creating plot holes..." Sel muttered.

"Is that my sister?"

"No, it's your friend."

"Oh, my cousin."

"No, it's your friend."

"A long lost relative because I didn't know in the Silver Millennium Queen Serenity made us sisters."

"No, it's your friend."

"Then it has to be my lover. Am I right?" Amy said raising her index finger high.

"No, she's just your friend."

"There is no such thing! We must have a stronger relationship than that! Because once you touch anyone you will want to become family or lovers."

Sel stepped way back from Amy as far as possible. She materialized a microphone in front of Amy and her.

"This is why I must be paired up with more than one girl," Amy continued.

Amy looked down at her watch, "When can I get going? I need to take a walk in Tokyo."

"You live in the US though."

"I know, it's only a 12 hour flight. I think I can do it today."

"That's an impossibility due to the date line."

"Where is the silver crystal?"

"The silver crystal can't change the physics of the universe. Plus you can't use it."

"Doesn't matter. I can make it happen. I need to get my luscious ebony hair fixed."

"Too many modifiers!"

"Doesn't matter I need to place more modifiers on eyes and hair. Calling them orbs of desire and gem names, especially Darien's eyes."

"You've got to be kidding."

"I heard recently he made Haruka straight and is now dating her."

"What happened to Serena?"

"She fell into a plot hole and was destroyed by Sailor Moon from Japan, I heard. She probably lost the right to transform since she never transforms anyhow."

Sel took the microphone by the chord and whipped it around until the chord was long enough to hit Amy in the head. The other girl moaned. Sell reeled in the microphone and then sanitized the end of it.

"That was fun," Amy said, "Do it again."

Sel felt sick. "You can't be serious." The microphone squealed.

"You are so PGMS," Amy said.

"What the hell is that?"

"Not sure, I just saw it somewhere. By the way did you hear that Usagi and Seiya got married?"

"They did not! I just saw Usagi here. You slander her name."

"Oh yeah, it was Serena. Anyway now she's playing matchmaker and wants all of her devoted guards to get married."

"You mean all of the Palace guards? That's ambitious."

"No, the guards... you know, me and the rest of the team."

"Aren't you guardians?" Sel asked.

"It's a longer word! I don't want to say that."

"But Seiya left Earth."

"Serena said some smooth lines like, 'I'd love to cheat on my boyfriend and I want you to stay as a man, though that's not your natural form and be my protector over that bitch Kakyuu bound to this fair earthy soil with me because I'm a selfish brat like that.' and she stayed as a he for Serena!"

"That's not a smooth line."

"If you capitalize the verbs in your mind it probably will make more sense."

"It doesn't," Sel said.

"She was going to marry Raye, because they fought all the time and hate must be love, but because of the endless attraction between them and not being able to resist spreading STDs they finally got together. Serena said she's looking to kill her sailors in the next century. She's looking for random pop culture icons in the US that make her seem Japanese to round it out."

"They should just convert to being Catholic."

"She's already converted! She's started to eat Hello Kitty candy and Fuji apples to make her seem Japanese and even has taken to eaten meatballs."

"Wha-" Sel asked.

"She didn't tell you she wants to convert to being Japanese?"

Sel shook her head out of disgust, not disagreement. Meiji made most of the candy in Japan. Hello Kitty was made by Sanrio... they didn't make the candy. Sel couldn't understand what gave Amy this impression.

"It's in exchange for Galaxia wanting to turn into an evil girl scout."

"Majinasai!" A figure called out from the materialized doorway.

"Huh?" Amy asked.

"She said stop in formal Japanese..."

"Atashi wa chie no sailor senshi, Sailor Mercury!"

"I am the Sailor soldier of wisdom, Sailor Mercury," Sel Finsert translated.

"Mercury kawatte oshokiyo!"

"In the name of Mercury, I shall punish you!" Sel translated.

"You are just showing off your Japanese skills!" Amy whined.

"Damned straight!" Sel said, "I didn't spend 20 dollars per class with a Japanese woman and go to Japan to not learn any Japanese. Besides, didn't you watch the original anime? Most of the Japanese she's speaking comes from there."

"Mercury Aqua Rhapsody!" Sailor Mercury called out.

Amy disappeared. Sel dissolved the microphone, relieved, but then noticed that the plot hole had gotten bigger.

* * *

On the more serious side, I don't care about quantity, I care about quality. Give me specifics about how the story is good or bad. You should get from this, I really don't care if one reads and reviews. I care for good critiques. Noticed based on the critiques so far I fixed the previous chapter. It does happen. I do edit in post.


	3. Chapter 3

Since I'm like soo popular and I know you are just dying with your hair curler irons to have the next installment of my fan fiction, I'm going to apologize profusely after I do the disclaimer and stuff. I mean look at all of the comments and the reviews.

Of course, I did think about making 100 new accounts for myself and then posting reviews under those accounts, but someone else did it and had to take down their story.

Anyway, it doesn't belong to me. I wish I was rich like her, but you know, a girl can dream can't she?

Anyway, Italics are notated by ampersands. These things &

Bold is notated by percent signs. These things .

Shouting will be notated by . The at signs.

Whispers will be notated by the carat sign .

If the character is upset then it will be notated by the equal signs.

If it's a flashback then it's going to be notated by a big F line.

Scene changes will be notated by caps, unless the character is shouting extra loud, then it will be caps with the sign.

Wait, maybe I should use ! for shouting. You know? What do you think?

If the character cries I'll use the sign. What is that grammar mark called?

If a new character comes into the situation I'll use + sign. If that part of the story is a spoiler I'll use the sign.

Oh and if it's not so important and there are no spoilers I'll use a - and parentheses are my own notes.

If I use Yen, since I can't type the yen sign, I'm going to use a # unless it looks like a telephone number, then it's not yen, no duh.

Is that too many things to remember? Don't mind it, you'll get the hang of it once the story starts. I know I did.

And give me reviews and stuff because I want to feel important and popular otherwise I'll start threatening you that I won't write this fanfiction which is the best fan fiction ever!!

And yes, I need author notes this long so I can talk about the most important thing on this page, ME!!

* * *

-"NOOOOOOOOOO," Sel shouted on the top of her lungs. (Because she could)-

She was being sucked into the plot hole that had gotten so big from Amy visiting. (this part is important.)

-PLOT HOLE

She landed in a great big palace.

PALACE-

"Where am I?" she whispered.

+Right then a blob of pink hair came at her. Sel's hope rose up. (Isn't this like the best fan fiction ever?)+

"Hello, my name is Small Lady."

&"Thank God, it's not a dub character," Sel thought.&

"My mother Queen Serenity will be with you soon."

"Your mother is Neo-Queen Serenity."

"No it's not Pluto said she wasn't."

Sel found the tears coming down her face. She was trapped in the Dub land's version of Crystal Tokyo with a whining monster called Rini. She felt a headache coming on.

Sel only remembered that things were better in her blank dimension where she could control the microphone in front of characters. Now she was going to be infected with it.

FFFFFFFF

Sel materialized a microphone in front of Amy.

FFFFFFFF

(You are getting the hang of this right?)

-"I'll bring you to the throne room. You can see the Queen."

Sel would have to take a bath once she got back to her dimension if this place didn't corrupt her very being first.

"I'm not supposed to be here... I was supposed to stay, but the plot holes from this dimension..."

MIDDLE OF THE HALL

FRONT OF THE HALL

NEW HALL

Sell ran back a little to look at the outside. It was grainy.

FRONT OF THE LAST HALL

Sel moved forward through the archway.

ARCHWAY

NEW HALL

"Wow, this must cost billions of #"-

"It's not that bad. Besides, it's always not that bad when Hotaru is around."

"You are Eight years old!"

"Eight year olds can have romance too," Small Lady retorted.

"What about Helios?"

"The more, the merrier. Besides, papa, I mean King Seiya says with the Ginzuishou you can make anything happen."

"I thought you guys used the Silver Impyrean crystal or whatever."

"That one broke and stuff.

MIDDLE OF THE NEW HALL.

In the doorway of the next hall, Sel saw her savior. She was holding a pink stick up in the air.

"PIIIINNNKKUUU SUUGA-- HARUTO ATAKU!" (She's shouting really loud.)

Small Lady went up in a puff of smoke.

"Yatta!"

In Japanese, Sel asked, "Why did you win... that attack never works."

"Because," the figure answered, "She's an evil copy of me and weak."

Sel nodded, but before she could ask to get out of this dimension the figure disappeared. Who knew what horrors lay in store next.

* * *

Don't give a review unless you have something of value and content. I don't mind critiques. The stories do improve from them. And yes, the author notes are slightly longer than the story...


	4. CHAPTER 4 AKA NEEDS A CAP TITLE

Here I am going to claim wild things like, if you don't review I'll really quit writing this story. Yeah, I know how shocking that is to the lot of you because you like *ME* SOOOO much that you think of me when you wake up first thing in the morning and then when you go to sleep.  
I could go into long spouts about how homosexuality is a sin against God and The Bible and preach and troll some religious intolerance to get attention while claiming to spread "the word of God." Because we should all dress like Puritans in the summer with the high collars and of course we need to dress in wool in the summer... but I thought I would talk about restaurant types that don't really exist in Japan from lack of research and maybe warn you that I want to nick name all the characters things like "Endy" complain about statutory rape and call it a story.

But I can console myself by saying I CAN WRITE TITLES IN CAPS!! Because I sooo want your attention RIGHT NOW. PLEASE. BECAUSE I SUCK AT SUMMARIES!! BUT I SWEAR MY STORY DOESN'T SUCK. Because I know you'll all believe that.

* * *

Sel Finsert stumbled but soon spotted a blonde brushing her legs and muttering something in Japanese. "C'mon, Pluto said it was this dimension."

Sel Finsert ran forward towards the girl. Pluto... Sailor Uranus... surely this was salvation. An Aqua-haired girl stopped her and stared her down. She held up a sign. "Do not touch us."

Sel Finsert yelled in Japanese, "Why...?"

It took the other girls a while to respond, but they held up a sign in Japanese, "You are contagious. We don't want to be straight."

Sel Finsert had to admit the idea of her being victim to either becoming gay herself, or her idols becoming straight--or even worse, Haruka near Michiru's birthday becoming a man to be terrifying reasoning enough. Sel kept her distance and signaled for them to proceed towards the door. The two Sailors nodded their heads and ran through the door of this alternate dimension Crystal Palace first. Sel waited and then ran through the door after them.

But it was too late. By the time that Sel got through the door... she saw two figures like her idols standing in the next doorway. Sel tried to run, but it was too late.

"You should declare each other COUSINS," Amara said.

Sel shivered as she backed towards the doorway, but found herself trapped inside.

Sailor Uranus asked her to translate. Sel's voice choked it out. Sailor Uranus said, "Eh?"

"Get out of here!" Sel shouted in Japanese. But it was too late. It was the ultimate of the dub attacks. The censor attack.

Two people in suits showed up and tisked at Sailor Uranus.

"Hmm... Short skirt... We will have to change that. Let's make it long and make sure it sweeps the ground, can't show ankles, and skin color on those legs... must have stockings."

Sel Finsert scrambled forward toward Sailor Uranus forgetting the rules of this universe to save her from the censors.

A gloved hand grabbed her arm. "You can't save her now..."

Sel looked up at the ocean soldier.

"How many meals do you eat in a day?" one of the suited people asked in broken Japanese.

Sel covered her head.

"Three..." Sailor Uranus said.

"You eat too much. You can't eat too much. You'll send a message to our children than child obesity is alright. We need to bring down those diabetes numbers and you're going to help."

Sailor Uranus looked at Sailor Neptune for help. Sailor Neptune looked away. Sel cringed.

"Race car driving? Too dangerous. That's not a real job. How will the children think of this? A real job is where you're miserable all day locked in an office working for a Boss you don't like."

"And you should convert to Christianity... Do you believe in the Shinta Mojo? We can't have that... nope, nope."

Sailor Uranus held the back of her head as the censors poked at her.

"The humanity..." Sel said sinking her knees to the floor. In English she shouted at Amara, "You bastard."

The censors looked at Sel. Sel edited, "You person who did a very bad thing to my friend, I dislike how you handled yourself."

"She just had to call that person over there her cousin. It is a sin against the Bible for homosexuality to exist. Thus I must represent it the best I can. Right, Cousin Michelle."

"Right, Cousin Amara."

The two cousins came close to each other.

In Japanese Sailor Neptune asked, "Aren't they Lesbians...?"

Sel shook her head. "Cousins."

"Which side of the family?" Sailor Neptune asked in disgust.

"Does it matter?" Sel asked.

"C'mon Cousin Amara, finish them off. I have to like paint my nails and stuff."

Amara raised her arms in the air and called out, "World Censor."

Sailor Neptune leapt out of the way, but Sel was forced to duck. The attack hit the wall.

"What did I ever do to deserve this?" Sel cried out.

Sel reached into dimensional space and pulled out a copy of the Bible as her only defense. Before the censors could start she shoved the copy into the nearest censor's face. "Have you actually read the Bible in plain translated English, non-King James I version?"

The censor poofed into thin air.

Sel pulled out additional facts and information out of her secret Dues ex Machina secret place and shoved it into the various censor's faces.

"Neptune!" Sel called out.

Neptune jumped up in her heels and threw an attack at Michelle.

"Cousin!!" Michelle cried out.

Neptune attacked the censors next who called out, "Magic and violence is not suitable for young chil--" before disappearing into a puff of smoke.

Sailor Uranus took off her boot and threw it at Amara who tried to catch the boot. She launched a World Shaking before Sel could shout a cheer.

Amara and Michelle reached to touch each other's hands as they faded into the plot holes they had left behind. But Amara took back her hand and said, her voice echoing, "It would be so wrong, Cousin."

Michelle answered before she faded, "But it felt so right, Cousin."

Sel cheered.

"You two are the BEST. Have I not told you that?" Sel asked in Japanese.

Sailor Uranus and Sailor Neptune looked down at Sel. "It is dangerous from here. You should go home."

Sailor Uranus narrowed her eyes and carried that cool expression that Sel knew was not a good sign.

"But then, how am I supposed to get home?"

The hardened frown softened.

"Haruka, we have a mission. You can't be soft."

"She may be able to translate for us," Sailor Uranus said.

They whispered something to each other after that and then Sailor Uranus and Sailor Neptune nodded. They looked at Sel. Sel got up. They moved forward.

"Do not give us skin to skin contact. That action here is dangerous," Sailor Neptune called to Sel as they ran through the cleared corridor. Sel sighed a breath of relief. Maybe she was going to make it out of this strange grainy dimension alive. Maybe she could go home and relax to Japanese dramas... maybe--but the next thought was cut off. Sel covered her eyes and screamed on the top of her lungs. Hotaru, age 8 was doing WHAT?

* * *

Yes, yes... I did base this on the troll fic of this week seen yesterday. Yes, I do expect the author if they aren't a self-centered attention--no reverse that. I doubt the author will find the fic. Because Bible Thumping is more important than actually reading it... And yes, I read the Bible, so it's not an anti-Christian fic. King James with all the inserted witches (twice) and "The Message" version through Leviticus. (Which is the straight translated version.)

And yes, this is gratuitous amount of ANing... and while the fictional author may not like real feedback, with real criticisms called critiques, I don't mind and actually revise based on them. *gasp* I know... the concept of that is baffling.


	5. Chapter 5

Hello! I think I made horrible mistake. I'm going to rename all of the characters because I think it will be fun. I saw others do it with their Minako and Serena stories in Just In and though I should follow trends.

Hotaru will be Elizabethina.  
Sailor Uranus will be Sailor Your star  
Sailor Neptune will be Sailor Clepto music.  
Sel Finsert... Why would we need to change her name. That's like SOOO me. So I don't need to change that, do I?  
Shouldn't I randomly change Yaten's last name? Wait, Yaten is the last name. Then are we changing the first or last name? Let's forget him/her.

Ah, never mind. Too much work. Oh well. Nice while it lasted.

* * *

Hotaru, eight years old was doing WHAT again? Sel Finsert blinked. She felt like crying. Poor Chibichibi. Poor, poor Chibichibi. Sel Finsert curled into a ball. If she banged her head against the floor enough times maybe she would get to go back through the dimensional hole.

"We're in love."

"In love. Chibichibi."

The pain inflicted by those words made Sel Finsert tear her hair and want to cry.

"Whose the red-head?" Uranus asked, "and what is my daughter doing to her?"

"She's a plot hole because she's not even supposed to show up until season five," Sel Finsert cried.

Before Sel could lament further at her brain being turned into absolute mush, an attack from behind left her reeling.

"What's wrong with their love? It's so innocent."

"What the--" Sel turned around to see. Sailor Guts in his pink glory frenching Morga. She muttered something about knowing why Oedipus gouged his eyes out. It definitely had nothing to do with his mother.

"You guys don't even meet, what are you doing? You both DIE at the end."

"The ginzuishou can do anything!" Morga says taking a break from Sailor Guts' passionate embrace.

Sel looked to Neptune for help, but Neptune was covering her ears and saying its not real.

"We shall destroy you for destroying our holy love together."

"Zombie's Perspiration Attack!" the pair called together. Sel hit deck as the attack hit the babycon pair.

"Come join with us in our group love."

"Uranus!" Sel called out.

Uranus was muttering and rocking herself. Sel sighed and scrambled to her feet. It was time to Mary Sue. She had no choice. It was save the Sailor Moon universe or fall victim to the love attacks.

She dodged the next round of attacks. She needed a good Mary Sue transformation phrase. Something with Angel or some crap like that in it. She hung her head in shame trying to think of ways she could get Neptune and Uranus to take the lead again.

Morga cried, "Why won't you love us? Join us."

"No!" Sel cried out in English, not being able to think straight.

"Sailor Angel Love Universe Crystal, Make up!" Sel tried, trying to Mary sue properly.

It didn't work and some of the attack almost hit Sel's ankle. "Damn it, I need rainbow color eyes and perfect blonde hair with emo!"

Sel hung her head and just sprang out of the way of the next attack tripping over a small gray ball. Sel cursed as she realized it was Diana.

"Elew, I don't want to be in love with Diana."

"Why would I want to be in love with you? I'm in love with Pegasus."

"Wha--" Sel cried out. "That's your owner's boyfriend."

"No, not that Pegasus, the one from the manga."

Sel shook her head. "All right, I surrender, take me."

"What's wrong with me falling in love with another species?"

"Why can't you love us?"

"Uranus, Neptune, someone, help!" Sel cried out. Her worst nightmare had come to life.

"in love. Chibichibi."

How could it get worse?

"Hotaru!" A young voice screamed.

"What are you doing Rini?" Hotaru asked.

"I thought you only loved me."

"When did you learn to speak Japanese?" Sel asked wishing very hard for a knife to stab her frontal cortex.

"In Instant! Japanese. I learned it to my level in less than a tsuki. Not the point. Hotaru-kun, you said that you only liked me, why are you with Chibichibi-dono."

"What kind of messed up Japanese is that?" The force of the incredibly bad Japanese knocked Sel into consciousness.

"Rini-chan, I do like you, but Chibichibi is here and you are over there."

"That's two feet difference! What's the issue?" Sel screamed.

"But our astrology is perfect for each other, Hotaru-sama. Your serious Capricorn to my flighty and somewhat uptight and nervous Cancer."

"That's not even right... Uranus, Neptune... say something."

"Not. My. Daughter. You--abomination over there--you are not my daughter."

Uranus slipped against the crystal floor.

"Chibichibi?"

"Well, I have more i's in my name, if Hotaru is going to betray me I'm going to Antarctica with Chibichibi. There you won't discover I have cancer from taking chemotherapy and I'll lnstant! Polar Bears speak to keep me company."

"Polar Bears are North Pole," Sel said. She hoped the Neptune or Uranus would recover since her Sailor Sue powers weren't working.

"Who cares, you've all betrayed me. I'm going where no one will care about me anymore."

"Wo-rlllddd," Uranus said, gasping for breath.

"How about us and our love," Morga said. Morga embraced Sailor Guts. Sel turned away from the horror that was about to unfold.

"I can't defeat you now like my mother did because I have to pack and leave for the place where shinging sapphire pyres jut out of the water and the desolate cold will comfort my lonely heart."

"You mean spires... don't you."

"Shut up. You betrayed me. You all betrayed me. I'm leaving. Goodbye, Hotaru. Be happy with Chibichibi."

Sel wanted to barf.

"Goodbye, Diana..."

"But Rini, I need to marry Pegasus..."

"You betrayed me. Goodbye."

"Shaking."

A jolt of energy went through Sel making her scream in pain.

Sel sank to her knees as the attack shook her. She wondered if she was supposed to be attacked and at the bottom of the pit in a quest to save this plot hole-ridden place. Sel was knocked to unconsciousness. It was, indeed, very lovely.

* * *

Sel came to and found herself in a cage.

"Your body is emitting some kind of weird energy. We can't neutralize it.'" Neptune said, as if it were an apology.

"What happened to my Sailor Mary Sue powers?" Sel cried.

"Stop whining. Queen first. Got it?" Uranus asked.

"I guess," Sel said.

Uranus paused at the next entrance. The cage came to a complete stop.

"Neptune. I'm frightened."

Sel craned her neck in the cage and saw a whip. What was so bad about a whip. Then she saw a paddle, leather and as she squinted into the dark something that looked like Mamoru as a pirate? Sel considered then, that it was a good idea to kill herself if she was causing this much anguish to her allies of justice.

* * *

If it's hate or love, be specific, cite where it is good or bad. You can be harsh. And I do edit fics for suggestions. So suggestions do count to improve the fic in post.


	6. Chapter 6

My writing sucks because it's my muses's fault. What follows, is therefore Fan Fact, not fan fiction, because the world revolves around me and I can dictate canon now. Pshaw, who needs to do a disclaimer about Takeuchi-sensei owning Sailor Moon. I can dictate canon! But don't flame me.

So now upcoming is the BEST SAILOR MOON FAN FICTION EV4RRRR! I mean it's so angsty and stuff you have to cry at the end.

Or is it more tragic that I should blackmail you and stuff into reading my story and if you don't, I'm so going to match up random characters from other fanverses in this fic. I mean really. And I'll make them as English-speaking as possible, because that's why you fell in love with the show right? Who needs to think they are Japanese-because they clearly live in Seattle or France-what is that red and white thing they are around all the time in the series. Oh well doesn't matter. That's clearly france because the Eiffel tower got repainted white and red recently, right?

* * *

Sel Finsert was not about the sell herself short. I mean, she was the hero and stuff with magical sue powers-albeit contained in a very small cage with a sheild. She shook herself of that thought. She had been corrupted to think such a thing.

She closed her eyes as she saw Mamoru whip himself and then suck the wound.

"What the-" Sailor Uranus started to say, but simply stopped.

As if he had a prosthetic set of teeth and a very bad Transylvannian accent, Mamoru said, "I vont to thuck thour bleud."

"What?" Sailor Neptune said. Mamoru repeated himself. Sailor Neptune shook her head.

"I think he means, 'I want to suck your blood,'" Sel Finsert said.

"You understand him?" Michiru asked.

Sel Finsert nodded, very ashamed that she could understand Mamoru at all.

A deep voice rumbled from behind him. "He has a very sad past."

"I think my vision is getting blurry, but is that Fisheye in a pirate costume?" Sel Finsert asked.

"No, it is Fisheye in a pirate costume and it is getting blurry," Sailor Uranus said.

Sel Finsert found herself going into a fetal position.

"It's time to tell the harrowing past of..." Fish eye stopped for a long time and then Hawk Eye appeared, "The man known as Mamoru Sparrow."

"Isn't it Chiba Mamoru?"

"No, it's Sparrow, 'cause that's clearly a better pirate name and stuff," Tiger Eye said in his deep voice.

"Why does he sound like a bad impression of a Valley girl?" Sel Finsert muttered.

A mist overcame the hall as a spotlight focused on Mamoru and wavy lines came through like on an American telvision screen, because Sel Finsert knew that whoever was behind this nefarious taking over of the Sailor Moon Crystal Tokyo Universe had no idea about Japanese flashback conventions.

A crate appeared below Mamoru's foot as he started to narrate.

* * *

Back when I was seven years old in the 1970's when disco was the thing and my parents were all over it, I was listening to Justin beiber and reading Twilight, thinking that I should make a Twilight fan fiction because you know how hot Jacob is, when I saw a little girl approach me.

She said her name was Usagi and that she had just been soooo tragically orphaned and stuff and adopted by a 7 year old called Motoki. You know they allowed 7 year olds to adopt 2 year olds in Japan in the 1970's. This was not your average adoption story.

Do you have a tissue out yet? This is very sad stuff.

I knew she was my 100% destined and fated one. She said she could get Justin Beiber to come to the hospital if I prayed to her God, Lord Jesus and Holy Mary. Because we all know how much Jesus loves Justin Beiber.

So she was crying while telling me to have hope because that Motoki kid had told her that it wasn't smoke and mirrors that her parents died and didn't have the doctors or the police tell her about it. I mean they died of cancer because they got chemotherapy and died in a car accident on the way home with her not-yet-born-or-quite-concieved brother, Shingo. She only knew it that day because her parents were going to make him and stuff.

She said to me, she said, "And Shingo... how am I going to live on without a baby brother to complain about my future cat from the Moon so I can become Sailor Moon and stuff."

And that's when I knew that this girl who was about to give me a rose so I could get a visit from Fiore who would have gay feelings from me and stuff when I was 20 or 21 had it tougher than I did. I mean I never really got to see my beneficiary and lived alone in the orphanage until I met her and she gave me the rose.

So I was going to go to the roof to give that sicko alien the rose-sick because he's all stalkerish, not because of his gayish feelings for me, when I slipped and fell on the topmost step on olive oil-you know how much they cook with Olive oil in Japan in a Japanese hospital. It was especially prevelant back then.

And I hit my head, as I was listening to Justin Beiber sing baby baby. That's when Dracul showed up from the Sailor Moon Musicals and changed me into a Vampire. And then I joined the musical group and learned I could be a pirate like from the Kaguya Island Musical. But just as I was converting to be a pirate, my generals stabbed me with a stake. It was sooo tragic and stuff like that.

So Usagi-the one with the black hair and the stuffed talking black cat-rescued me by activating her Ginzuishou, but she kind of killed me when she did the whole turn the Earth to dust thing when she became Princess Selenity.

So I became... Ghost Vampire Pirate. Shitennou kinda rejected me after that, so I recruited the Amazon Trio. I'm not too clear which version each of them is from, but that doesn't matter.

* * *

Mamoru sobbed. "Isn't that the saddest story ever?"

Sailor Uranus's mouth gaped. Sel Finsert was banging her head against a cage door. Her head was bleeding. She was rocking herself hoping that she was only dreaming. "No place like home. No place like home."

"Justin Beiber told me to become a pirate and stuff. And I was really inspired after watching Twilight and Pirate of the Carribean back to back. Besides, doesn't Ghost Vampire Pirate sound cool? I want Jacob to bite me too. That would be all kinds of good," Mamoru continued.

Mamoru hit himself again with the whip. "Feels so damned good being in leather and being both kinds of dead. So I want to suck your blood. Crap, did I spit out my plastic teeth while telling you my super tragic story?"

Mamoru bend down and started searching for his plastic teeth. Sel Finsert could see through her fetal position that Sailor Neptuiune was collapsed on the floor.

"Want me to whip you captain, baby, baby while you look?" Fish Eye asked.

"Oh, yes, please do."

Sailor Uranus plugged her ears and said, "lalalalala."

A rose struck Sailor Uranus's arm. She looked up.

"Don't lose sight of your objective in the unfolding darkness," a caped figure said.

Sailor Uranus helped Sailor Neptune off of the ground and staggering from the mind blow she and Sailor Neptune had gotten-or as was Sel Finsert's best guess at her near Catatonic state, they joined forces and did their attacked together. A giant wave sprank up like a tsunami and devistated Ghost Vampire Pirate Mamoru-now four times dead.

Sailor Uranus ran, dragging Sel Finsert's cage and helped the staggering Sailor Neptune from the room. As the crossed the door way to the next room, Sailor Uranus collapsed. Sel Finsert dared not look towards where the booming sound of Sailor Uranus was. She peeked through one eye to only see the Crystal Tokyo main palace room. Neo Queen Selenity was chain kissing Gohan, the 8 year old, Seiya, Darien, and some random minor character that Sel Finsert could not recognize.

The scream of the three rescuers rang throughout the Palace walls. Kami save the Queen.

* * *

So this was supposed to be sooo tragic and stuff. Did you have the tissues...?

Kidding... Usual drill. I'll take critiques and actually change the story based on them if the critique is insightful. Critique tolerance 10.


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